Kimmel: The Joke’s on the Buyers

Highlights from the late-night comic’s rants from the past at ABC upfront presentations
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A high point of the upfronts is alwaysJimmy Kimmel’s annual riff about how much manure the networks tend to shovel at their presentations, and how gullible media buyers are for spending nearly $9 billion on their primetime schedules. This year, Kimmel’s show graduated to the 11:35 p.m. time slot. Will he tone down his act? We’ll know May 14, when ABC’s presentation takes place at Lincoln Center.

Here are some highlights from previous Kimmel upfront routines.

2012:
“It’s hard to believe I’ve been doing this for 10 years in a row now. And I’ll be honest: I’m sick of it. I’m sick of new shows. I’m sick of the old shows. I’m sick of research. I’m sick of demographics. I’m sick of [Disney/ABC Media Networks co-chairman Anne Sweeney]. I’m sick of Paul [Lee, president of ABC Entertainment], and I’m getting sick of you. I hate to say it, but how many times do I have to tell you this is bull----? This is bull----.”

2011:
“Remember those shows that we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them. And yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem….I can’t promise you any of these [new] shows will be good. I can’t promise you any of them will be successful. But what I can promise you is that they will be expensive to advertise in.”

2010: “All these analysts say the networks are losing ground to cable. I disagree. I believe we’re gaining ground on newspapers. Watch your back, Christian Science Monitor, we’re coming after you.”

2009: “Every year we lie to you and every year you come back for more. You don’t need an upfront. You need therapy. We completely lie to you, and then you pass those lies on to your clients.”

2008: “ABC might be the worst date ever. They expect you to put out and they won’t even buy you a drink.”

2007:
“But you all know, really, don’t you? That we’re all making it all up? None of us have any idea why something works. Some shows are good and get bad ratings; some shows are bad and get good ratings. And some shows are NCIS. We don’t know; suddenly Howie Mandel starts opening briefcases and everyone goes nuts. All we can do is keep sticking it out there and keep putting doctors in showers with each other.”

2004: Kimmel referred to NBC as the rich kid in high school who gets the BMW, CBS as the straight-A student and Fox as the jock. Of ABC, he said, “We’re the fat kids who eat paste.”

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