Upfront Notebook: Jimmy Kimmel’s Best Lines from the ABC Upfront

‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’ host skewers big four networks
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Jimmy Kimmel took the stage at Lincoln Center’s Avery Fisher Hall Tuesday for his annual comedy routine at ABC’s upfront presentation.

Here are some of his best lines.

“Yesterday NBC told you they are the No. 1 network and now we are telling you we're No. 1. That means one of us is lying. I'm here to tell you that it's us ... We're all No. 1. It's like Tee-ball. Everybody wins.”

"We've done very, very well since we started to acknowledge minorities exist."

“ABC is so diverse that when CBS drives by us they lock their car doors.”

“Paul (Lee) said that ABC’s success is only partially due to Shonda, which is kind of like saying the success of Thriller is only partially due to Michael Jackson.”

“Starting this fall, someone on ABC will change genders every week…and I don’t want to spoil the end of Paul’s presentation, but I just want to say we’re all so proud of him.”

“Poor Fox. They do have Empire — did they mention that at their presentation?”

“I don’t watch Empire, I live it yo.”

American Idol felt like one of those things that would be around forever, like herpes.”

“I was actually handed a note to read to (NBC Entertainment chairman) Bob Greenblatt. Dear Bob, we’re glad that Dolly Parton will always love you because after what you made us sit through yesterday, no one else ever will. Signed, everyone.”

“Dolly Parton ... (NBC is) really making a strong play for that urban demographic, aren’t they?”

“ABC is the only network to grow our audience from year to year. Why? We were in last place last season.”

“We’re about transparency. We’re transparent. Sometime we’re so transparent were almost invisible.”

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