According to the new Onion, Sopranos star James Gandolfini was shot in a Greenwich Village restaurant "by a fan unable to accept the open-ended conclusion of the series finale that aired earlier this month."
"Eight years of my life, and a f****** artsy cut to black?" the shooter told police. "It was eating me up inside."
The Onion–home of beloved headlines such as "White House Had Prior Knowledge of Cheney Threat"–reports that there’d been several attempts on Gandolfini’s life since the finale, including a detonated car bomb (Gandolfini had fortunately remote-started his car), and an attempted garroting as he rode in a cab.
Eyewitnesses to the killing were mostly unimpressed, calling it "cheap," "predictable" and "devoid of imagination."