Upfronts 2016: Kimmel Takes on ABC and the Competition

Gives Costas Zika virus and CBS osteoporosis

At ABC's upfront presentation, Jimmy Kimmel again bit the hand that feeds him by ripping into the TV business and the advertising world.

Kimmel signed a new three-year deal with ABC, but when he was done, new ABC Entertainment president Channing Dungey joked that she was wondering if maybe the deal wasn't closed.

Here's what he had to say.

"It's so good to be here again. Isn't it?

"This is the 14th time I've been here at the upfront in New York. I have to admit I've actually started to look forward to this. ABC has become… like a family to me. This is kind of our family reunion every year. Where's Uncle Paul? Oh that's right. I forgot. I feel bad for Paul Lee. He's a very smart guy and you hate to see anyone, especially a British person, lose his dental plan.

Related: Upfronts 2016: Diversity Works, Says ABC’s Dungey in Her First Upfront Spiel

"[Lee's replacement] Channing Dungey is the first African American female network president ever to pick up a show about a talking dog.

"I don't know if you're familiar with Channing's background. She began her career working as a story editor for Steven Seagal's film company where she was so successful she was able to get people to go see movies starring Steven Seagal.

"How are you guys holding up. Was it a long day yesterday? Fucking NBC. Did they mention they have the Olympics? We don't have the Olympics this summer. We have BattleBots this summer.

"Last time NBC had the Olympics, Bob Costas got pink eye. Rumor has it they're planning to give him the Zika virus.

"NBCUniversal combined all their networks into one mammoth four and a half hour presentation called NBC F U yesterday. I'm glad they combined them. There's too many. It's crazy. Do Crackle and Vox and Vevo really needs to have upfronts? These aren't networks. These are sound effects when Batman crunches a bad guy.

"And really, do you guys learn anything from these presentations? Let's call this what it is. It's a Ted Talk where you leave dumber than when you got there.

"ABC is the most diverse network. Why? I'll tell you why. Because the other networks are terrible racists. ABC embraced diversity like no other network, which is why I'm so proud to announce this year's most exciting new drama Gay Black Doctor Cop. You haven't seen them yet, but we've got new comedies. We've got Downward Dog, which as I mentioned is a show about a talking dog. We're just fucking with you now, right? Downward Dog is actually a yoga position where you put your hands and feet on the floor and your butt up in the air. Kind of like what we're asking you guys to do this week.

"This is interesting. To get the mutt to perform, the trainer had to reward him with little pieces of bacon, which is actually the same way they got John Travolta to do his lines on The People v. O.J. Simpson.

"Fox made a very bold move this years. They became the first network to stop reporting live plus same day ratings. And it's a good idea, but I feel like the argument would carry more weight if they weren't in last place. It's like the Knicks announcing they're no longer going to use the final score to determine the outcome. It doesn't reflect the reality of the modern basketball game.

"A lot of networks aren't looking at these live same day ratings. Our network and NBC object to the term same day since so many of our viewers watch our shows on demand. CBS objects to the term live because so many of their viewers aren't.

"One of the trends is that millennials are leaving the networks in droves, which I guess is a problem. Are we really going to let these vaping, Snapchatting, music stealing little fuckers determine how we do business?

"Here at ABC 18 to 49 isn't just our target demo, it's the number of people who watched Wicked City last season.

"This is expected to be a very big week spending wise. They're saying that the network TV business is making a comeback. All of those people are network executives, but they are saying it. The good news is that with all of the many options out there traditional television is still king. 2016 is an exciting time in broadcast television in the same way that 1937 was an exciting time to be on the Hindenburg.

"But we do have room for improvement. We will admit that many viewers are upset because there are so many commercials now. There's been a lot of talk about heavier ad loads, which is by far the most disgusting thing I've heard you people say all week.

"YouTube now has these six-second bumper ads that you cannot skip. Google calls the new ads a quick and fun format. Nice try Google. Go back to work drawing a fun logo for National Waffle Day you dickheads.

"Viewers love streaming content and ABC gets that we do, which is why I'm proud to announce our new show Porn. It's a little bit slow to start, but it gets good at the end.

"In order for broadcast television to survive we have to stay current, and that's why we're bringing you fresh new shows like MacGyver, Prison Break, 24, Training Day, the $100,000 Pyramid and Match Game.

"Yesterday Fox said their audience is younger and their content is buzzier. And I'll add that their bull is shittier. Fox picked up a series based on The Exorcist and Lethal Weapon. All your favorite VHS tapes are now network series. You know they decided to remake The Exorcist when Gary and Dana looked at their ratings and started projectile vomiting. Fox now has The Exorcist on the schedule and Lucifer, which actually is a show based on the life of their founder Rupert Murdoch. So, the devil is on their side. And they've got Lethal Weapon. You'd think a show where the lead characters signature line is 'I'm too old for this shit' would be on CBS. CBS canceled CSI: Cyber, which is the last of the CSIs. They picked up a number of new dramas, which is good, I guess. I mean it's amazing CBS is able to pick anything up considering the osteoporosis.

"The average CBS viewer looks like the Red Woman from Game of Thrones without her necklace on.

"NBC is aiming older too. Better Late Than Never is a new show that follows Henry Winkler, William Shatner, Terry Bradshaw and George Foreman on a bucket list trip to Asia. I can't imagine traveling to Asia with Terry Bradshaw being on anyone's bucket list, but I'll take their word for it. Normally when wealthy old men vacation in Asia together it's called sex tourism.

"And they have Arnold Schwarzenegger at NBC. Donald Trump is right. Immigrants are taking our jobs starting with his. Schwarzenegger will be the new host of Celebrity Apprentice. I don't know about that. I don't specialize in HR. I'm not a particularly politically correct guy, but should a guy who knocked up his maid be put in charge of an apprenticeship program.

"Alright. I've had enough of you people. Thanks for your time. Thanks for your money, especially.

"If there's one message I want you to take away tonight, it's this: It's not too late for you to become doctors, it really isn't. ABC is different from the other networks. We are your partners. Don't think of us as an old fashioned TV network. Think of us as an enormous paper shredder for you to pour $8 billion into. Let's make beautiful green confetti together. I'll see you next year and, from what I'm told, the next two years after that."