I just got back from the annual fishing trip to Sitka, Alaska, with the
father-in-law and the redneck brother-in-law, Mark. And this year, Mark
brought along his buddy Joe, who is so much of a redneck that he makes
Mark look like a fruit-flavored-vodka-drinking liberal from Hollywood.
Now, if you haven’t spent a lot of time around this kind
of crew, let me set your mind at ease right now: the term
redneck is not an insult. Card-carrying rednecks wear
the moniker louder and prouder than the wind chime
made of empty beer cans clanging from the overhang of
their double-wide trailer. Plus, I’m kind of a redneck-intraining,
to the sheer horror of many of those around me.
Anyway, the basic day on our trip goes like this: wake
up at 4:30 a.m., on the boat by 5:30, fishing by 6:30,
first beers opened by 8:30 (which is
12:30 p.m. New York time, so it’s OK),
off the boat and back to the lodge by
4:30 p.m., happy hour(s) until dinner,
then post-dinner happy hour(s), then
watch TV in our cabin until we pass
out—um, I mean fall asleep.
But even given so unyielding a
schedule, I was able to work out an
idea I have had for a while about a
new cable channel. Instead of writing
about it, I probably should just go
start it because I think it could work.
But I’m pretty lazy—especially after
that week—so whoever wants to steal
this one, it’s yours. Just send me a cool
branded T-shirt when it launches.
Believe me, when you are sitting at
a lodge full of a certain type of people—
ones that comes from all over
the country, by the way—you can see
some trends. For instance, doctors
who treat lip and gum cancer are going
to be driving nice cars for a while,
because chewing tobacco is still the
breakfast of choice for many.
But I also watched the TV viewing
habits of these folks, and bundled together,
it confirmed for me one beautiful
concept: The Redneck Channel.
Here’s the idea: There is a very, very
large demographic that watches the
same kind of shows. Most rednecks
love to hunt, but why should they
have to hunt all over the dial for the
shows they like on different channels?
Besides, when each hand is holding
a Coors Light can—one for drinking
and the other for spitting tobacco
into—how the hell can you hold a remote
control? That can only lead to
the unspeakable nightmare of taking
a sip out of the wrong can.
So, I want to put all the shows targeting
this demo on one channel. The programming
will be largely acquisitions at the beginning, and they
will come from all over the dial. Rather than talking
about it, just take a look at a typical Saturday lineup. We’ll start at 9 a.m., because the only time
a true redneck is up early on a Saturday is to go hunting
or fishing, so there’s no point in starting before
There you have it, the Redneck Channel. Put it together,
get it on the air, commence the banjo soundtrack and
start printing your money.
Friendly warming: If you do steal this idea, you have
to give me the rights to produce the first original show.
Here’s the pitch: a Jew from Minnesota goes to a tiny
fishing village in Alaska with a group of rednecks, and
he hauls in a monster 45-pound Alaskan King Salmon
that has the entire lodge buzzing, and his brother-in-law
scowling with jealousy. Luckily for me, this is a reality
show pitch. The brother-in-law, however, will have to
spend the rest of his life wishing it were fantasy.
E-mail comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
and follow him on Twitter: @BCBenGrossman