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In a Flyover State: Steal This Idea: The Redneck Channel

I just got back from the annual fishing trip to Sitka, Alaska, with the father-in-law and the redneck brother-in-law, Mark. And this year, Mark brought along his buddy Joe, who is so much of a redneck that he makes Mark look like a fruit-flavored-vodka-drinking liberal from Hollywood. 6/20/2011 12:01:00 AM Eastern

THIS SATURDAY ON THE REDNECK CHANNEL

9–11 a.m.

HUNTING PROGRAMMING:
Two hours of shows about men (and the occasional woman) in camouflage going into the woods and shooting large animals with a rifle or bow and arrow, then hugging each other a little more tightly than you’d expect. You can find it on places like Versus, The Sportsman Channel and The Outdoor Channel. In our family, we call it “Huntin’ Porn.”

11 a.m.–1 p.m.

FISHING PROGRAMMING:
Two hours of shows about men sitting on boats catching big fish, then hugging a little more tightly than you’d expect. See above for the rest, but it’s called “Fishin’ Porn.”

1 p.m.

NASCAR RACING:
Watching cars turn left for a few hours is a favorite of this demo, and will gain popularity as long as car owners keep putting drivers in headlocks and punching them, as happened a couple of weeks ago. Have at it, boys.

4 p.m.

THE BEST OF THE O’REILLY FACTOR:
This demo largely has no interest in fair or balanced, and they love the Fox News star.

5 p.m.

PBR:
Professional bull riding, in which cowboys try to stay on a really pissed-off animal for eight seconds. The only programming on the Redneck Channel in which viewers cheer for the animal to maul the human, not the other way around.

6 p.m.

SWAMP PEOPLE:
Follows a bunch of alligator hunters in Louisiana who have accents so thick the show uses subtitles. As my Cajun parter-in-crime, Multichannel News editor-in-chief Mark Robichaux, said to me, “It doesn’t exactly put us in the best light. Be gentle.”

7 p.m.

MOUNTED IN ALASKA:
It’s a reality show about taxidermy. No, seriously.

8 p.m.

DEADLIEST CATCH:
What happens if my brother-in-law did to me what he really wanted to after I hauled in a monster salmon.

9–11 p.m.

NIGHTLY MOVIE:
In which a minimum of 25 people must die, and there can be no stupid B-story focusing on a love angle of any kind.

11 p.m.

THE TV ASSAULT HOUR BROUGHT TO YOU BY SONY:
A highlight show featuring clips from Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and MSNBC primetime shows. Intended to get true rednecks pissed off enough that they smash their TV, and when they go to replace it, all the Sony ads persuade them to buy one of their new sets.

Midnight–9 a.m.

PAID PROGRAMMING:
Think Girls Gone Wild, not kitchen stuff. Oh, except for those really sharp knives if they can slice up steaks (or cooked snake) real good.

I just got back from the annual fishing trip to Sitka, Alaska, with the
father-in-law and the redneck brother-in-law, Mark. And this year, Mark
brought along his buddy Joe, who is so much of a redneck that he makes
Mark look like a fruit-flavored-vodka-drinking liberal from Hollywood.

Now, if you haven’t spent a lot of time around this kind
of crew, let me set your mind at ease right now: the term
redneck is not an insult. Card-carrying rednecks wear
the moniker louder and prouder than the wind chime
made of empty beer cans clanging from the overhang of
their double-wide trailer. Plus, I’m kind of a redneck-intraining,
to the sheer horror of many of those around me.

Anyway, the basic day on our trip goes like this: wake
up at 4:30 a.m., on the boat by 5:30, fishing by 6:30,
first beers opened by 8:30 (which is
12:30 p.m. New York time, so it’s OK),
off the boat and back to the lodge by
4:30 p.m., happy hour(s) until dinner,
then post-dinner happy hour(s), then
watch TV in our cabin until we pass
out—um, I mean fall asleep.

But even given so unyielding a
schedule, I was able to work out an
idea I have had for a while about a
new cable channel. Instead of writing
about it, I probably should just go
start it because I think it could work.
But I’m pretty lazy—especially after
that week—so whoever wants to steal
this one, it’s yours. Just send me a cool
branded T-shirt when it launches.

Believe me, when you are sitting at
a lodge full of a certain type of people—
ones that comes from all over
the country, by the way—you can see
some trends. For instance, doctors
who treat lip and gum cancer are going
to be driving nice cars for a while,
because chewing tobacco is still the
breakfast of choice for many.

But I also watched the TV viewing
habits of these folks, and bundled together,
it confirmed for me one beautiful
concept: The Redneck Channel.

Here’s the idea: There is a very, very
large demographic that watches the
same kind of shows. Most rednecks
love to hunt, but why should they
have to hunt all over the dial for the
shows they like on different channels?
Besides, when each hand is holding
a Coors Light can—one for drinking
and the other for spitting tobacco
into—how the hell can you hold a remote
control? That can only lead to
the unspeakable nightmare of taking
a sip out of the wrong can.

So, I want to put all the shows targeting
this demo on one channel. The programming
will be largely acquisitions at the beginning, and they
will come from all over the dial. Rather than talking
about it, just take a look at a typical Saturday lineup. We’ll start at 9 a.m., because the only time
a true redneck is up early on a Saturday is to go hunting
or fishing, so there’s no point in starting before
then anyway.

There you have it, the Redneck Channel. Put it together,
get it on the air, commence the banjo soundtrack and
start printing your money.

Friendly warming: If you do steal this idea, you have
to give me the rights to produce the first original show.
Here’s the pitch: a Jew from Minnesota goes to a tiny
fishing village in Alaska with a group of rednecks, and
he hauls in a monster 45-pound Alaskan King Salmon
that has the entire lodge buzzing, and his brother-in-law
scowling with jealousy. Luckily for me, this is a reality
show pitch. The brother-in-law, however, will have to
spend the rest of his life wishing it were fantasy.

E-mail comments to bgrossman@nbmedia.com
and follow him on Twitter: @BCBenGrossman

THIS SATURDAY ON THE REDNECK CHANNEL

9–11 a.m.

HUNTING PROGRAMMING:
Two hours of shows about men (and the occasional woman) in camouflage going into the woods and shooting large animals with a rifle or bow and arrow, then hugging each other a little more tightly than you’d expect. You can find it on places like Versus, The Sportsman Channel and The Outdoor Channel. In our family, we call it “Huntin’ Porn.”

11 a.m.–1 p.m.

FISHING PROGRAMMING:
Two hours of shows about men sitting on boats catching big fish, then hugging a little more tightly than you’d expect. See above for the rest, but it’s called “Fishin’ Porn.”

1 p.m.

NASCAR RACING:
Watching cars turn left for a few hours is a favorite of this demo, and will gain popularity as long as car owners keep putting drivers in headlocks and punching them, as happened a couple of weeks ago. Have at it, boys.

4 p.m.

THE BEST OF THE O’REILLY FACTOR:
This demo largely has no interest in fair or balanced, and they love the Fox News star.

5 p.m.

PBR:
Professional bull riding, in which cowboys try to stay on a really pissed-off animal for eight seconds. The only programming on the Redneck Channel in which viewers cheer for the animal to maul the human, not the other way around.

6 p.m.

SWAMP PEOPLE:
Follows a bunch of alligator hunters in Louisiana who have accents so thick the show uses subtitles. As my Cajun parter-in-crime, Multichannel News editor-in-chief Mark Robichaux, said to me, “It doesn’t exactly put us in the best light. Be gentle.”

7 p.m.

MOUNTED IN ALASKA:
It’s a reality show about taxidermy. No, seriously.

8 p.m.

DEADLIEST CATCH:
What happens if my brother-in-law did to me what he really wanted to after I hauled in a monster salmon.

9–11 p.m.

NIGHTLY MOVIE:
In which a minimum of 25 people must die, and there can be no stupid B-story focusing on a love angle of any kind.

11 p.m.

THE TV ASSAULT HOUR BROUGHT TO YOU BY SONY:
A highlight show featuring clips from Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and MSNBC primetime shows. Intended to get true rednecks pissed off enough that they smash their TV, and when they go to replace it, all the Sony ads persuade them to buy one of their new sets.

Midnight–9 a.m.

PAID PROGRAMMING:
Think Girls Gone Wild, not kitchen stuff. Oh, except for those really sharp knives if they can slice up steaks (or cooked snake) real good.

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