Google Introduces CADIE, but don't fear the robots

Just minutes before the clock struck midnight on April 1, Google introduced the world’s first Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity (CADIE), a functional global-scale neuro-evolutionary learning cluster.

“[J]ust moments ago, [CADIE] was switched on and began performing some initial functions. It’s an exciting moment that we’re determined to build upon,” said Google executives in a statement.

Should you doubt the awesomeness of Google’s development, check out CADIE’s home page, which she created all by herself after performing a “quick scan of the visual segment of the social web and gleaned a set of online design principles from which she derived this intriguing homepage.”

OK, so CADIE likes pandas. Maybe that’s saying something really frightening about our overall level of intelligence as a society, but CADIE’s favorite books are I, Robot and Cryptominicon so I feel reassured that she can read at such a high level.

Among the first tasks that CADIE has taken on include an automated email responder, an automatic document responder, 3-D Internet browsing (which requires printing out 3-D glasses and wearing them while you browse), and a brain search that allows you to index your brain and then come up with information much quicker.

CADIE is so smart that should the Prince of Nigeria, for example, email you about a fantastic business opportunity he has for you if only you would reveal your bank accounts and social security number, CADIE will automatically provide all of that information to the prince for you and she will do it very politely. And since she instantly knew everything in the world upon being created, who better to write your documents and create spreadsheets for you? Since I spent last night creating vast budgetary spreadsheets and then adding up numbers by hand because I didn’t feel like copying and pasting them back into some usable format, perhaps this is the service for me.

If you spend a little time clicking through these CADIE links, you will learn 1) that Google has finally succeeded in creating an intelligence much higher than ours and 2) layoffs obviously have not come to Google because someone has a lot of time on their hands over there. Maybe Google and Tribune should get together because they’ve both got the same idea.