Tribune creates device that solves all the world's problems

Just because Tribune Co. declared bankruptcy last December, doesn’t mean it can’t change the face of all media.

On April 1, Tribune announced detailed plans to make all media, including the Internet, obsolete by next year. The company has developed a new device, tentatively called The Accelerator, that aggregates the entire sum of human knowledge and delivers it directly into people’s brains.

“Forget cloud computing, this is vapor computing,” said Randy Michaels, Tribune’s chief operating officer and a man who is fond of jokes. “Traditional media companies have been working for years to harness the so-called power of the Internet - we decided that rather than compete, we’d make it obsolete.”

According to Tribune, the Accelerator will be backward-compatible to all media, including email, streaming media, mp3 and mp4 playback, newsfeeds and online gaming.

It’s also equipped with such innovations as:

3D holographic displays, allowing projection from three inches to 172 feet on any surface, with resolution far beyond that of HDTV

Voice recognition accepting 373 languages and dialects, which will allow for elimination of the keyboard

The ability to recreate any day or time in history with real-time video and audio

On-demand recall of every television and film

Personalized transmission allowing users to use the device to communicate from a distance of up to 75 miles

Fool-proof security using brain-scan patterning

A plutonium-powered battery life of 30 years

The device is expected to be available in May for a retail price of $28,500. A more expensive hand-held model will be available in late 2010.

I wonder if The Accelerator will be a subscription- or advertising-based revenue model.